12.Using a felt marker, write "Best
Before July 2001" on your thigh.
11.Wear a really skimpy Speedo --
no one wants to see that, not even a shark.
10.Be sensitive to the shark's
needs. Sometimes, like you and me, they just need to
9.Your startlingly realistic
impression of an injured seal? Leave it in the car,
8.Don't listen to PETA's
"Pet-a-Shark" campaign. Besides, you should've learned
your lesson from their "Hug-a-Rabid-Stray Dog" or
7.Wait at least thirty minutes to
go swimming after eating a bucket of chum.
6.Only swim on days Miss Cleo says
5.Don't let your children into the
water until the sharks have filled themselves up on
the neighbor's kids first.
4.Always swim with a slower,
3.When swimming, always bring
along a bottle of Zima. Just like humans, sharks hate
2.Avoid heavy use of "Zesty Cajun
Flavor" sun block.
1.Cover yourself with pictures of
Anne Heche, because not even a shark would go near
that crazy-ass chick.
Apply extract of broccoli and
Brussels sprouts before bathing. No animal in
existence can stand both.
Brandish a sphincter-based
suppository gun with Australian Crawl-connected fear
Dip a few Backstreet Boys in the
ocean and watch as the sharks flee from the stench of
Douse yourself liberally with Brut
If a shark does attack, use your
free arm to beat him off -- hey, even sharks
appreciate a little sexual release now and then.
Soak your buddy's bathing suit in
Wear a name tag that says, "Elian
Apparently, the best way to avoid
any encounters with sharks is to pay a lot of money
to go on a shark-watching trip.
Bring along a boombox with an
endless loop of Celine Dion singing.
Casually replace your wife's suntan
lotion with chum. 15 minutes later, you'll know if
it's safe or not.
Cover yourself with parsley so
they'll think you're just the garnish.
Feed him your breast implants; he'll
be too stuffed for anything else.
If you think you hear a cello solo,
get out of the water.
Loud, tacky shirts bearing silly
puns or popular catchphrases will keep the sharks busy
laughing at you instead of killing you.
Never swim alone... and never swim
with anyone else.
Never swim in a body of water whose
name ends in "Ocean."
Obtain motorcycle, then jump that
Replace nearby beachgoers' sunblock
Slather yourself in meat tenderizer
before each swim. Sharks get suspicious if it's *too*
To reduce your resemblance to a
marine mammal, paint the bottom of your surfboard
like a ship's keel. Attach a small propeller, move at
a steady rate of speed, and... ah, screw it, just get
in a friggin' boat!
Use sunscreen with FSP (Female Shark
Pheromone). Sure, you'll still attract his attention,
but not as food.
Vacation on the sunny beaches of the
Wait 436,800 hours after a meal
before you go swimming.
Wear a long filmy nightgown, so
they'll think you're a jellyfish.
Well for starters, that prime rib
wetsuit probably isn't the best idea.
When surfing in questionable waters,
take along a buddy with an M-60 continuous-feed
machine gun with plenty of 30-06 rounds.
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