Steven A. Ellis
God Bless America
At 09:35 PM 9/23/01 -0500, you wrote:
>Shark Attack Prevention Strategies :
> 12.Using a felt marker, write "Best
>Before July 2001" on your thigh.
> 11.Wear a really skimpy Speedo --
>no one wants to see that, not even a shark.
> 10.Be sensitive to the shark's
>needs. Sometimes, like you and me, they just need to
> 9.Your startlingly realistic
>impression of an injured seal? Leave it in the car,
> 8.Don't listen to PETA's
>"Pet-a-Shark" campaign. Besides, you should've learned
>your lesson from their "Hug-a-Rabid-Stray Dog" or
> 7.Wait at least thirty minutes to
>go swimming after eating a bucket of chum.
> 6.Only swim on days Miss Cleo says
> 5.Don't let your children into the
>water until the sharks have filled themselves up on
>the neighbor's kids first.
> 4.Always swim with a slower,
> 3.When swimming, always bring
>along a bottle of Zima. Just like humans, sharks hate
> 2.Avoid heavy use of "Zesty Cajun
>Flavor" sun block.
> 1.Cover yourself with pictures of
>Anne Heche, because not even a shark would go near
>that crazy-ass chick.
> Apply extract of broccoli and
>Brussels sprouts before bathing. No animal in
>existence can stand both.
> Brandish a sphincter-based
>suppository gun with Australian Crawl-connected fear
> Dip a few Backstreet Boys in the
>ocean and watch as the sharks flee from the stench of
> Douse yourself liberally with Brut
> If a shark does attack, use your
>free arm to beat him off -- hey, even sharks
>appreciate a little sexual release now and then.
> Soak your buddy's bathing suit in
> Wear a name tag that says, "Elian
> Apparently, the best way to avoid
>any encounters with sharks is to pay a lot of money
>to go on a shark-watching trip.
> Befriend Aquaman.
> Bring along a boombox with an
>endless loop of Celine Dion singing.
> Casually replace your wife's suntan
>lotion with chum. 15 minutes later, you'll know if
>it's safe or not.
> Cover yourself with parsley so
>they'll think you're just the garnish.
> Feed him your breast implants; he'll
>be too stuffed for anything else.
> If you think you hear a cello solo,
>get out of the water.
> Loud, tacky shirts bearing silly
>puns or popular catchphrases will keep the sharks busy
>laughing at you instead of killing you.
> Never swim alone... and never swim
>with anyone else.
> Never swim in a body of water whose
>name ends in "Ocean."
> Obtain motorcycle, then jump that
> Replace nearby beachgoers' sunblock
> Slather yourself in meat tenderizer
>before each swim. Sharks get suspicious if it's *too*
> Surf Iowa!
> To reduce your resemblance to a
>marine mammal, paint the bottom of your surfboard
>like a ship's keel. Attach a small propeller, move at
>a steady rate of speed, and... ah, screw it, just get
>in a friggin' boat!
> Use sunscreen with FSP (Female Shark
>Pheromone). Sure, you'll still attract his attention,
>but not as food.
> Vacation on the sunny beaches of the
> Wait 436,800 hours after a meal
>before you go swimming.
> Wear a long filmy nightgown, so
>they'll think you're a jellyfish.
> Well for starters, that prime rib
>wetsuit probably isn't the best idea.
> When surfing in questionable waters,
>take along a buddy with an M-60 continuous-feed
>machine gun with plenty of 30-06 rounds.
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